Nursing Voices

Thursday, May 15, 2008

I Haven't a Thing to Wear

It all started when Eve asked Adam, “Does this fig leaf make me look fat?"

Women throughout time have fretted about their clothes. Traditionally, women have three wardrobes hanging in their closet. We have our winter clothes, our summer clothes, and our fat and skinny clothes. But, no matter what we have, we haven’t a thing to wear.

My life unexpectedly became complicated when I was invited to attend the Nursing Spectrum Excellence Awards. I'm really excited about the invitation, but a fancy night out on the town means that blue jeans are out, and I have to dress up like an adult. This presented a problem because the last time that I dressed up was on my wedding day. My wedding dress was a stunning, oriental silk brocade evening dress. I looked fabulous in it, but that was ten years and fifteen pounds ago, so I suddenly found myself wardrobe-challenged. I discovered three things while shopping for the perfect evening dress. I learned that there is no such thing as the perfect dress, most of them are WAY too expensive, and that evening dresses fall into one of six categories:

Category #1: The Mother of the Bride Dress

The mother of the bride dress serves a purpose. It prevents a woman from upstaging a bride on her wedding day. What else can I say? These dresses are frumpy.

Category #2: The Cheap K Mart Dress:

I’m always looking for ways to save a buck, but this is NOT the way to save money. This dress, made from glittery spandex, and accessorized with a matching macramé shawl, shower cap, and plastic rhinestone sunglasses screams, “I’m a Blue Light Special.” Cheap dresses look cheap. Period.

Category #3: The Southern Belle Dress:

I heard Rett Butler say, “Quite frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn,” every time I saw one of these dresses at the mall. Southern belle dresses are poofy, and they are covered in ruffles, ribbons, and bows. These dresses are not age appropriate for women like me. Not that I’m old. Just sayin’.

Category #4: The Prostitute Dress

A prostitute dress is just like Paris Hilton. It’s sleazy, lacks substance, and looks cheap. Enough said.

Category #5: The Bizarreo World Dress

This dress is too strange for words. I think space aliens design bizarreo world dresses. Dresses like this one are very expensive, and a lot of rich people like them. It just proves that money can't buy good taste. No one in the real world would be caught dead in this type of dress.

Category #6: The Little Black Dress

I’m wearing a little black dress to the banquet. My dress is an updated version of Audrey Hepburn's dress, and it's very elegant. Do not confuse the little black dress with a black funeral frock. Those dresses are dreary and depressing. I bought my dress at Macy’s. It was marked down by 50%, and there’s nothing depressing about that.

I promise you a full report after the banquet.


Blogger NurseExec said...

Loved this! Every year I go to a company-wide conference that also includes a formal dinner and awards ceremony. Every year I struggle with the whole dress thing, as I do not wear dresses. Period. I also found a great dress at Macy's this year--a Calvin Klein little black dress for 50% off. So, have ANOTHER formal hanging in my closet, which I will probably re-wear three or four years from now at the same conference, LOL! Have a great time :)

11:31 AM  
Blogger DrugMonkey, Master of Pharmacy said...

Emmmmjjjaayyyyy.....he said in a whiny child voice,

Are you suuuure we can't talk you into a bizarro dress?

Most of the best things in life start out as bizarro.....

I'll wear one if you do.....

4:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You left out the Ellie May Clampett burlap special.

6:42 PM  
Blogger RehabNurse said...

You go girl! It doesn't matter how you got the dress or how much it costs, only how good you feel wearing it.

If you feel like a million bucks and it looks good, they'll all think it was a good choice.

Have a great time!

7:33 PM  
Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said...

An excellent post. Eve never had the problem of picking which dress to wear.

3:22 PM  
Blogger Mage And George said...

Shoes? You didn't mention shoes or shawl or jewels. And you have to have bling.....what bling are you wearing? Tell all before you leave and are swept away by all the awards and never speak to us again.

4:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awesome. . I hope you were invited because you were nomintated! You deserve it. I would go with the Audrey Hepburn look if your bod can handle it. Hey if not, call da Oscar de la Tent Maker. . .that is what I do!!! Also, thanks for the link to my blog!

6:26 PM  
Blogger Mother Jones RN said...

Thank you for all of your kind words. No, I’m not a nominee, but I nominated a coworker who is now a finalist. I hope he wins because he is totally deserving of the award.

Now on to the accessories. First, the shoes. I’m wearing the same type of shoes that Audrey is wearing in the picture. They look like little ballet slippers. I can’t wear heels. I messed up my feet and ankles when I fell down some stairs and I can barely walk around in my sneakers since the accident. The other accessories are courtesy of my wonderful mother-in-law. She is lending me her mother’s pearl necklace, a black beaded clutch purse that she bought in Europe back in 1968, and a colorful cashmere shawl from India. The only thing left to buy is a pair of pantyhose. Now I will answer the most important question:

Yes Drugmonkey, I will if you will. And by the way, what size pantyhose do YOU wear?


9:17 PM  
Blogger distracted by shiny objects said...

Stumbled onto your blog...funny stuff. Kind of surprised that someone somewhere hasn't made an evening ensemble of blue scrubs material. Extra baggy,non-form fitting of course. I'll be back to visit. Hope you have a lovely time in your LBD:>) AnnieH

10:32 PM  
Blogger Adrienne Zurub said...

Funny Post!

You looked mahvelous in that stunning black dress, dahling!


2:53 PM  
Blogger david mcmahon said...

Waiting on the full report!!

1:28 AM  
Blogger Smalltown RN said...

I love your choice....I am sure you will look stunning

5:16 AM  
Blogger Hilary said...

Totally amusing fashion report. David sent me.

7:55 AM  
Blogger Christine said...

Loved the dialog! I am kind of sick of having nothing to wear. Lately it feels like I buy all of my clothes at Costco. :)

1:23 PM  
Blogger San said...

Hi there. I came over from David's place and thoroughly enjoyed this tour through the horrors of shopping for dresses. I recently underwent a similar ordeal shopping for my daughter's college graduation. And yes, I went with black and managed to find something not too terribly slutty OR funereal.

1:55 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Too fun! This was so well written and spot on.
Came over from David's. Kudos!

3:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am laughing about this whole thing! Nurses are notoriously bad and don't know how to spell "couture" much less wear it. Glad you chose the simplicity of classic black. I have worn it to several high-end events myself.

Bling? It must be subdued elegance for such events. Jackie O' knew how to pull that one off.


9:32 AM  

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