I Haven't a Thing to Wear

It all started when Eve asked Adam, “Does this fig leaf make me look fat?"

Women throughout time have fretted about their clothes. Traditionally, women have three wardrobes hanging in their closet. We have our winter clothes, our summer clothes, and our fat and skinny clothes. But, no matter what we have, we haven’t a thing to wear.




My life unexpectedly became complicated when I was invited to attend the Nursing Spectrum Excellence Awards. I'm really excited about the invitation, but a fancy night out on the town means that blue jeans are out, and I have to dress up like an adult. This presented a problem because the last time that I dressed up was on my wedding day. My wedding dress was a stunning, oriental silk brocade evening dress. I looked fabulous in it, but that was ten years and fifteen pounds ago, so I suddenly found myself wardrobe-challenged. I discovered three things while shopping for the perfect evening dress. I learned that there is no such thing as the perfect dress, most of them are WAY too expensive, and that evening dresses fall into one of six categories:



Category #1: The Mother of the Bride Dress

The mother of the bride dress serves a purpose. It prevents a woman from upstaging a bride on her wedding day. What else can I say? These dresses are frumpy.








Category #2: The Cheap K Mart Dress:

I’m always looking for ways to save a buck, but this is NOT the way to save money. This dress, made from glittery spandex, and accessorized with a matching macramé shawl, shower cap, and plastic rhinestone sunglasses screams, “I’m a Blue Light Special.” Cheap dresses look cheap. Period.




Category #3: The Southern Belle Dress:

I heard Rett Butler say, “Quite frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn,” every time I saw one of these dresses at the mall. Southern belle dresses are poofy, and they are covered in ruffles, ribbons, and bows. These dresses are not age appropriate for women like me. Not that I’m old. Just sayin’.



Category #4: The Prostitute Dress

A prostitute dress is just like Paris Hilton. It’s sleazy, lacks substance, and looks cheap. Enough said.








Category #5: The Bizarreo World Dress

This dress is too strange for words. I think space aliens design bizarreo world dresses. Dresses like this one are very expensive, and a lot of rich people like them. It just proves that money can't buy good taste. No one in the real world would be caught dead in this type of dress.




Category #6: The Little Black Dress

I’m wearing a little black dress to the banquet. My dress is an updated version of Audrey Hepburn's dress, and it's very elegant. Do not confuse the little black dress with a black funeral frock. Those dresses are dreary and depressing. I bought my dress at Macy’s. It was marked down by 50%, and there’s nothing depressing about that.

I promise you a full report after the banquet.

The Angry Earth

This picture breaks my heart. It also makes me very proud of our profession. Mother Earth is very angry. The news is filled with stories about tornados, earthquakes, floods, and cyclones. It makes me wonder what is going to happen next. It seems like the whole world is turning up side down, and I can only imagine what nurses who live in these areas are going through. This nurse is risking her life in order to hold someone's hand. An aftershock could bring the rest of the building down on top of her. Nursing is one of those few professions where everyone, no matter where they live, are colleagues. I want to reach into this picture and give this nurse my hand, and my heart. She is truly an Angel of Mercy.

We can't hold a victim's hand, but we can still help. Please make a donation to the relief organization of your choice.

Mother's Day Email From Mom

My mom is the best. In fact, she's a saint. She never stopped loving me when I was going through my terrible twos, and she didn't kill me when I became a mouthy teenager. I'm sure she thought about killing me a few times, but her maternal insinct kicked in and she let me live to see adulthood. Now we're best friends. My mom proof reads my blog posts before they go up on the web, and she sends me email everyday. Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I love you. Here's another email from Mother:


Mother's Day reminds me I Owe My Mother


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

Martha Stewart Loves Nurses

Martha Stewart is a funny lady. She’s the poster child of OCD. Martha tells her readers all kinds of weird stuff in her magazine. I about peed my pants when she wrote that homemakers should rotate their lampshades as part of their household duties, and I poked fun at her in this post. I can’t make fun of Martha today. I was channel surfing when I noticed that Martha was wearing a pair of scrubs, so settled back in my chair and I watched her show. Martha honored nurses during Nurses Week.



Martha invited many interesting guests to her show. Johnson & Johnson nurse Kathy Fallon told viewers how to get the most out of their medical appointments. Next, Martha paid tribute to five very special nurses who helped a family in need. Martha also interviewed a nurse practitioner about home first aid kits. My favorite part of the show was when Martha interviewed a nurse museum curator that had brought a display of historical nursing uniforms and equipment to the show. And of course, Martha showed nurses how to make a quick and nutritious meal for their family after a hard day at work. I'm glad Martha didn't mention any housekeeping tips. Nurses are too tired to rotate their lampshades when they come home from work.


Martha loves nurses. Nurses are a good thing.

Please, Don't Stop Needling Me

I’ve been really stressed out since my former patient, Mr. Jackass, came over the desk at the nurses station and tried stabbing me to death. Something like that is hard to forget, and quite frankly, the experience has affected my health. So, I did what every nurse in my position should do. I told my employer that I needed help.






The Greatest Hospital In The World has a wellness center. It’s where patients with excellent health insurance, or deep pockets, can go for their alternative health care needs. It’s posh, so needless to say, I’ve never had the money to partake of their services. I’ve always been curious about the benefits of acupuncture. I've heard that acupuncture relieves stress, and that it can improve your overall health. I wanted to try it out, so I asked the director of human resources if the hospital would let me have some acupuncture treatments free of charge. She said yes.


I know that having needles stuck into your body sounds gross, but acupuncture is really great stuff. My body feels like it's floating in space during my treatments, and I feel at peace. I still have some hypertension that is related to stress, but the horrific nightmares are starting to subside. Nurses are always getting needled by their employers, but I hope this "needling" doesn’t stop anytime soon.

Happy Nurses Week

Isn't this soooo cute! Woofy Nurse sends you greetings. She is saying, "Happy Nurses Week." Of course, it sounds more like, "bark-bark." I wonder how her hospital is celebrating Nurses Week. Here, at the Greatest Hospital In The World, nurses are being treated like, well, nurses. We are receiving cheap trinkets in addition to being served fine cafeteria cuisine. As I recall, the physicians were served steak and lobster for National Doctor's Day. We also can buy tickets for the chance to win the opportunity to throw a pie in our boss' face. The money raised will go to buy equipment for the hospital's forensic nurse. It's sad that nurses have to raise money so another nurse can do her job. But, that's nursing.


Enjoy your week. I hope my boss likes pie.

Missing My Mac

Do you remember Timmy and Lassie? Lassie had an annoying habit of running off, and Timmy was always waiting for her to come home. I feel like Timmy today. I’m waiting for my Mac to come home.

I feel my pulse returning to my body, and more importantly, to my fingertips. The delivery company just called me, and my Mac will be back home in just a few more hours. As you might recall, my computer broke down again last week, and I had to send it back to the Mac Mother Ship for repairs. Damn you, Steven Jobs! This is no way to treat a lady. Not having a computer has been tough. I’m a creature of habit, and I have a hard time writing anything on someone else’s computer. Besides, I do my best writing at my local Panera coffee shop. I went there today to get a bagel, and I almost started crying when I saw a stranger sitting at a table by my favorite window. The guy was surfing the web on his Dell laptop. Maybe my next computer should be a PC. Take that, Steven! No, no, I didn't mean it. I'm sorry, Steven. My skin starts crawling when I’m away from my computer too long, and I get really cranky, too. Not that I’m addicted or anything. I can stop blogging whenever I want.

Just sayin’.

Steven Jobs Strikes Back

I’ll admit it. I use to have a thing for Steven Jobs. I mean, really, just look at him. He’s smart, looks hot in blue jeans, and, oh yes, he’s a bizillionaire. But looks and a heavy-duty bank account can’t offset rudeness. I broke it off with Steven when he was mean to a girl-fan at a Mac convention. I’m so over him, and I wrote about it in this post. Well, Steven got even with me. As you may recall, my Mac Book went on the fritz last week, so I sent it in for repairs. Now, less than one week later after getting it back from the factory, the darn thing won’t even boot up.

I know you’re messing with me, Steven. I know you are angry. Rejection is a hard thing to take, but please understand that I’m not attracted to mean spirited men no matter how hot they look in blue jeans. Steven, you must accept the fact that it’s over between us, and stop screwing with my computer when it’s at the factory for repairs. Please move on, but if you want to win me back, you might want to try sending me an iPhone.