Nursing Voices

Monday, November 27, 2006

The Perfect Woman's Guide to Pregnancy

In my final installment of the Perfect Woman, we will discuss Dr. Melendy’s ideas on how to have the prefect pregnancy and how to give birth to the perfect child.

In her book, The Perfect Woman, Dr. Melendy writes that only a happy woman can have the perfect pregnancy, and that the only way a woman can find happiness is to have a domineering husband and a houseful of kids. She said it was a wife’s duty to bring children into the world, hence, she discouraged the use of any type of birth control. However, she said that in a few rare cases where birth control was necessary, a woman’s only option was to use the rhythm method to prevent pregnancy. Of course, we know how well that works. I think our favorite doctor was just being sneaky because she thought everyone should be burdened with too many children.

Dr. Melendy encouraged women to rejoice in their morning sickness, and to revel in their other symptoms of pregnancy. She also told expectant mothers that a toothache is a frequent sign of pregnancy, and that they should expect to loose one tooth for every child they bring into the world. She said that God didn’t make women suffer during pregnancy and childbirth as a curse, writing, “If you suffer, it is not because you are cursed of God, but because you violate His laws.” I guess only good girls could expect to sail through their pregnancy unscathed.

Dr. Melendy suggested that the sinners among us try these remedies for conditions related to pregnancy.

Sleeplessness: Dr. Melendy writes that pregnant women of nervous temperament are often kept awake night after night without apparent cause. She said that sleeping in a cold, well-ventilated room on a hair mattress is essential in promoting a good night's sleep. She said that taking a short walk could relieve an attack of “the fidgets” during the night. She also said that a nice Turkish bath could promote sleep.

Heartburn and Water Brash: Dr. Melendy said that heartburn and the regurgitation of watery acid from the stomach known as water brash are common and often distressing symptoms of pregnancy. She writes that digestion problems are curable by drinking crust coffee in place of water. She also instructs readers to mix 6 drops of tincture of night-blooming cereus in a full glass of water and take one tablespoon of the mixture every hour until symptoms are relieved.

Fainting: Dr. Melendy write that a delicate woman in pregnancy is apt to feel faint, and she recommended the following mixture to combat "the vapors:"
Mix 6 to 10 drops of tincture of Peruvian bark and 2 drops of tincture of Nux Vomica in a full glass of water. Take two teaspoonfuls three times a day and continue for ten days.

Sore Nipples: To treat the perfect breasts, Dr. Melendy advises women to bathe their nipples for five minutes every night and morning with either merigold ointment or with equal parts of brandy and water. Then cover nipples with soft linen, as the friction of a flannel vest would be apt to irritate them.

Dr. Melendy gives mothers advice on how to give birth to the perfect child. She tells readers that the development of a child’s moral character begins inside the womb. If a married woman reads the Bible and thinks good thoughts, she will give birth to a saint. If the mother is unmarried and gives birth to a bastard, the child will be wicked and the mother will burn in hell. Dr. Melendy also said that a woman’s thoughts during pregnancy influence the child’s physical attractiveness.

She warns that ugly thoughts make ugly babies.

I hope you have enjoyed my posts about how to become the perfect woman.


Blogger Forty_Two said...

Ugly thoughts...

That may explain Senator Charles Rangel's good looks.

8:06 PM  
Blogger Bohemian Road Nurse... said...

(Lordy--good thing I never had children, heh!!) I need to pass the doctor's hints along to my buddy--she just found out she's pregnant yesterday and I have already fired up the knitting needles.

9:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

can we say 'quack quack'?

9:36 PM  
Blogger Cyndy said...

Guess it's too later for me; my birthin' days are over.... ;)

10:01 PM  
Blogger Shrinked Immaculate said...

Thanks for the kind words and ur interest. I always find your posts fascinating and thought provoking. Keep up the good work.

5:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I especially liked the brandy on sore nipples remedy!! That should make the dear husband happy. Great stuff. :)


10:15 AM  
Blogger The Curmudgeon said...

Hmmmm. I believe it is probably most appropriate for me to repair to the front parlor with the other gentlemen for brandy (or port wine?) and cigars until this discussion is concluded....

10:32 AM  
Blogger Lea said...

The Perfect Woman losing one tooth per child explains the family I saw at Wal-Mart the other day.

11:01 AM  
Blogger poody said...

Taking a Turkish bath firstly involves relaxing in a room (known as the warm room) that is heated by a continuous flow of hot dry air allowing the bather to perspire freely. Bathers may then move to an ever hotter room (known as the hot room) before splashing themselves with cold water. After performing a full body wash and receiving a massage, bathers finally retire to the cooling-room for a period of relaxation.

first I had to go look up a Turkish Bath because well.. I thought it was something that sounded like I had missed out on not being a breeder and all. And lo and behold it is something I missed out on. Dang it!!

11:54 AM  
Anonymous Natasha said...

I really enjoyed your lessons on how to become the perfect woman. I have not had the opportunity to be the perfect pregnant woman yet but when I do - I will be sure to be loud and rejoiceful when chatting with the big white telephone.

(Big White Telephone - you know, when you vomit you wrap your arms around the loo and make lots of blah/blegh noises).

1:33 PM  
Blogger Michael Clifford, L. Ac. said...

It is interesting to note that in acupuncture school we were taught to NEVER yell at a pregnant woman. I think there is validity in that. I do know that emotional shock will affect the fetus, but I would be in deeper trouble if I were to blame my looks on mymothers thoughts during her pregnancy. I have caused enough turmoil after I came out...
But at least now I know where to look to find the clue if any poor hapless lady feel she isnot perfect...

2:17 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

The lessons I learn here are so applicable to everyday life:) I would get pregnant just to see if all of these things are really true it sounds so exciting.

2:43 PM  
Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said...

Some useful things there!

2:47 PM  
Blogger etaoin shrdlu said...

I lay on the couch (on bedrest, with a cerclage) and ate a lot of Hershey's Kisses and corn dogs.

So how come the kid didn't come out on a stick, wrapped in foil?

9:42 PM  
Blogger Student Nurse Jack said...

How perfect that I stumbled across this post as I ponder what my LDR/OB rotation and seminar hold for me next semester.

And sure, I dressed just like the woman in the top photo just after having my baby.
*snort* My husband was lucky if he came home to me having had a shower that day, let alone find me dressed in anything that did not smell like spitup.

9:38 PM  
Blogger TC said...

If I ever rubbed my breasts with brandy, I think my thoughts might be less than pure.

1:38 PM  
Blogger Calabar Gal said...

I sure will be thinking beautiful thoughts!! I need beautiful babies coming my way!!! Thanks for the numerous baby making tips. LOL!!

2:58 PM  

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