It's Moving Day at Nurse Ratched’s Place

Welcome to moving day at Nurse Ratched’s Place. Yep, I’m out of here and I’m moving to my own website. The great thing about moving to a new website is that you don’t have to pack, rent a truck, or pick up a heavy box and throw your back out. However, you do have to find someone who can do some heavy lifting (I'm clueless about computer stuff), and help you get to your new destination. My moving man is the one and only Shane from Healthcare Today and Ask Shane.org. He’s not one of the guys wearing overalls in the picture. He’s my blog angel. Thank you, Shane.


Please reset your links to my new web address, and come on over and see my new place. Check out NurseRatchedsPlace.com. I won’t ask you to carry boxes, and housewarming gifts are not required.

Mr. Jailbird's Day in Court

I went to court yesterday to confront Mr. Jailbird, the man who attacked my coworkers and me a few months back. He looked “thrilled” to be in court. He cut his hair, cleaned himself up, and was accompanied to court by his social worker and his therapeutic foster parents. He’s an adult who is still in the foster care system. Go figure. His posse glared at me and the other nurses like we were deviants for making Mr. Jailbird talk to a judge about his criminal behavior. I stared back at them. Let the games begin.


My coworkers and I sat through many mini hearings in the courtroom before they got to our case. We were the last ones on the court docket. Our assailant didn’t enter the courtroom until the last minute. He was waiting in the public defender's office. Right before our case was called, the court bailiff whispered something in the judge’s ear. Then the judge called a brief recess. There was a commotion at the bench as the judge was ushered to his chambers by security. The states attorney told us that Mr. Jailbird’s public defender had just warned the court of her clients escalating behavior. He was making threats against the judge and the witnesses in his case. The state’s attorney was smiling. Mr. Jailbird had just proven her case. Extra security officers quickly entered the courtroom. Then the judge came back into the courtroom and he started the trial.


I testified first. Mr. Jailbird was about ten feet away from me as I recalled the events to the best of my ability. I could hear his chair creaking as he rocked in his seat. I glanced over once at Mr. Jailbird. His eyes locked on me. I fought back tears when the state’s attorney showed me the evidence bag containing the shank Mr. Jailbird used in the assault. I took a deep breath and focused on the judge. Then the public defender asked me questions. She tried to rattle me, but I took my time answering her questions. She knew her case was a lost cause because she was the one who had tipped off the court about her client’s threats.

In the end, Mr. Jailbird was found guilty of 2nd degree assault and malicious destruction of property. The sentencing phase of the trial will take place in 90 days. The judge wants a court physiatrist to examine Mr. Jailbird before he decides what to do with him. In the meantime, Mr. Jailbird is going back home with his foster parents. The judge put him on a short leash. Mr. Jailbird was told that he would go to the poky if he acts up while he awaits his sentence. The judge also asked me when I wanted to make my victim statement. He said, “Do you want to do it now or later, although I can just imagine what you’re going to say. *Snort* " I’ll make my statement when the judge rules in the case.


I bumped into Mr. Jailbird’s social worker as I was leaving court. She told me that no one currently involved in his case knew anything about Mr. Jailbird’s past exploits at the hospital. She showed me a legal pad filled with notes, and she told me that she was going to be making a lot of phone calls when she got home from court. Then I saw Mr. Jailbird's foster parents in the parking lot. They looked shell shocked. Mr. Jailbird faces ten years in jail and $25,000 fine. I just have one more thing to say:

Throw em’ in jail!

Jailbird

Jail Bird by Kevin Hanna

I love this picture. Kevin Hanna is a very talented artists and I really like her work. Her creations are colorful, playful, and very imaginative. I hope to create another jailbird at the end of the week. I’m going to court on August 7th to testify against my attacker. He came after my coworkers and me a few months ago and tried stabbing us with a shank. It’s a toss up whether I’ll have my day in court. The court date has already been postponed twice. I’ll keep you posted.

The Secret Society of Ophra Winfrey

There’s something sinister going on in the universe. It’s a growing power that we can’t see or touch, but special people know that it’s there. This information is top secret, so don’t tell anyone else. My source works with the Ophra Team.


Ophra Winfrey has been called the most powerful woman in America. Actually, she is the ruler of a secret society, which makes her the most powerful woman in the world. I’ve never met Ophra, but, as a psychiatric nurse, I do meet with members of her secret society on a regular basis. A member of Ophra’s secret society recently arrived on my unit. She spoke to me on the condition of anonymity, and she told me many insider secrets about Ophra’s secret society, and about Ophra Winfrey herself. Did you know that Ophra has a special team that implants microchips inside of her followers while they sleep? These implants foster the sense of brotherhood, making strangers into friends. Ophra has many friends. This is a common story among Ophra secret society members, so it must be true. My source also gave me the inside story about Stedman and Ophra’s friend, Gayle. Stedman is a robot, and Gayle and Ophra are lovers. I was shocked to learn about Stedman, but rumors have been flying around about Ophra’s gay relationship with Gayle for a long time. It’s an open secret…. not that there’s anything wrong with that.

You may think that these wild stories are just conspiracy theories thought up by people who need to keep taking their medication. It’s true that people suffering from delusions can come up with some wacky tales. I’m sure that it’s just a coincidence that Ophra’s new XM Satellite Radio program is called, “Oprah & Friends,” and that she’s promoting a book called, The Secret.

Watch your back. Ophra wants to be your friend, too.

Obama Mama Birthday

I just celebrated my 29th birthday. I’ve celebrated my 29th birthday for 24 consecutive year, so I have it down to a fine art. In honor of my special day, my two liberal daughters sent me birthday greetings, and birthday gifts via the Obama campaign. These are the pins that they sent me. I’m so proud of my daughters. They are special girls, and I always knew that they were destined to follow in my Democratic footsteps.


I’ll never forget a report that I received from oldest daughter’s teacher during a parent-teacher conference back in 1989. That was the year that Mikhail Gorbachev, the former President of the Soviet Union, allowed the destruction of the Berlin Wall. My oldest daughter and I had watched the wall come down on TV, and I told her that we were witnessing a great day in world history. A couple of days later, my daughter’s teacher asked her class to name a famous person that they would like to meet. My daughter announced that she wanted to meet Mikhail Gorbachev because he was the great world leader who let people tear down the Berlin Wall. The teacher replied by asking my daughter if she would like to meet President Reagan. My daughter wrinkled up her nose and said, "Eewww, he's a Republican."


God bless liberal children. Obama 08.

Quiet Please. There's An Eavesdropping Blogger in the Library

This lady reminds me of my old school librarian. She taught my classmates and me about library etiquette. The number one rule involved silence. Silence was not only golden, it was a requirement if you didn’t want to get thrown out of the library. That’s not the case anymore. Today, the library is about as quiet as a Wal-Mart Superstore.



Case in point. I’m currently sitting at my local library with small children running all around me while their mothers are talking on their stupid cell phones. Excuse me, but when did it become OK to jabber on a cell phone while your kids are running wild in public? And then there is the guy sitting directly behind me in a cubical. He is also running his mouth on a cell phone. Allow me to recap his conversation. (I wonder if he would stop using his cell phone in the library if he knew that he was the subject of today's post).

First the guy calls his insurance agent and reports that his car was in an accident over the weekend. Apparently the guy’s lovely teenage daughter stole the keys to the car again, and went joyriding with her friends. I heard the guy tell his insurance agent that he hid the keys to the car in the mudroom, but that his little angel had snuck out of the house in the middle of the night after finding the car keys in an old shoe. Then I heard him say that everyone in the car was hurt and that his daughter is still in the hospital. She has broken bones and internal injuries. After a long pause, I heard him making excuses for his daughter’s irresponsible behavior. Poor baby. It's not her fault that she lied to her parents, and nearly killed herself along with her friends. I’m sure it won’t be long before his sweet angel makes her way onto my unit with a diagnosis of conduct disorder. Then I heard him call his business partner. He told his partner to write a check out to someone for half a million dollars. Then he told his partner not to sign the check before he sent it out in the mail. Sweet.


Where are those mean looking librarians that use to tell noisy patrons to shut up. I'm going to buy this teeshirt. What do you think?

Email From Mother: Mechanics vs. Cardiologists

Meet three eminent heart surgeons: Dr. Michael DeBakey (center), Dr. Christian Barnard (left), and Dr. Adrian Kantrowitz . These guys are medical pioneers. I wonder if they all hung out together on their time off. There is a brotherhood/sisterhood among cardiologists. They routinely save lives, and I think that experience draws them together into a tight community.

My mom sent me this email about a cardiologist, a mechanic, and a car engine. Enjoy reading it, and have a nice weekend.


A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Dodge SRT-4 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop, who was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his car. The mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?' The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the SRT.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked, 'So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year, a pretty small salary, and you get the really big bucks, $1,695,759, when you and I are doing basically the same work?' The cardiologist paused, smiled, and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic

'Try doing it with the engine running.'

It's Time for Change of Shift

Our lovely nurse is gently holding her patient in her arms. Her navy blue cape is crisp, and her starched white uniform is spotless. It won't be spotless for long. Just wait until that smiling bundle of joy upchucks all over her white uniform. Too bad she isn’t wearing her scrubs. I bet our lovely nurse can’t wait for her young patient to go to sleep so she can start reading Change of Shift. It's posted over at Emeriblog. Notice the new CoS logo. Kim put together another great edition, so go check it out.



There are a lot of exciting things happening out in the blogosphere. Notice the button at the bottom of this post. It’s from HeathcareToday . The good people at HealthcareToday have created a website that allows you to give feedback to other bloggers while promoting your own blog. Click the button to find out more about this exciting new website.


I want to welcome NurseZone.com to Nurse Ratched’s Place. I really enjoy reading their news headlines, and taking their weekly polls. There is a lot of great stuff going on over at NurseZone.com. I encourage you to go check it out.

Potty Problems

This story is true. I can't make this stuff up. The Greatest Hospital in the World sent out this email to all of the nurses last week. It's about diaper wipes. Allow me to give you some of the highlights from the email:

Dear Valued Employees:

As you may be aware, we are having major potty issues at the hospital because nurses are flushing diaper wipes down the john. It’s great that your patients are squeaky clean, but this practice is making us terrible unpopular with local businesses and with our county government. How you ask? Last night, the county pulled a mountain of diaper wipes out of a pump station that is located by the hospital. These wipes caused a septic back up that affected local restaurants, as well as many office buildings around the hospital. Needless to say we are on everyone’s shit list, no pun intended. If the county’s pump system has to be replaced due to another baby wipe incident, we will be billed a half million dollars. Starting today, all baby wipes are being eliminated from the clinical area. Deal with it, and have a nice day.


Best Regards, The Greatest Hospital in the World.

You know that it's just a matter of time before the hospital has to shell out the money. God, I hope we get our raise before the toilets back up again.